The Pain No One Talks About

Pain is very difficult and we are guaranteed to experience it throughout life. Sorry guys, not sugarcoating this one. I know it's not an easy thing to talk about but I'm going to anyway. Particularly the one type that's the worst and is rarely discussed.

The one that nothing can prepare you for, ever. The one you never really get over. The one that comes out of nowhere and shatters your very being in the blink of an eye.

There are no well-wishers for this fastball or comforting quotes on scenic backgrounds or knitted small pillows that serve no real pillow-function like being used to sleep on or prop up against.

No, this is beyond all that. I'm not talking heartbreak, death, disappointment, any of the usual suspects. I'm talking brushing your teeth watching Access Hollywood about to go to bed and a mouse runs across the floor.

Dealing with the Law

"No officer, I don't think I'm above the law. Don't think I'm below it either. Way I see it, I'm right even with the law. Fact you, me and the law, we're like 3 edamames in a pod. 4 if you count my little dog over here [chuckles]. Now. You gonna give me a ticket? Or ain't ya? Either way, I'm gonna wish you the Merriest Christmas you ever had."

Touched by a Christmas Angel

"You want any more of this?" asked the angel. She looked through me with one eye shut holding out the butt of the cigarette we'd been sharing. It hadn't been lit for some time, I decided to politely decline vs point that out. "I'm good." I said cheerily. "But thanks!" She tossed it on the ground, I watched it roll away as a chilly gust of wind came in. "This party sucks," she opined, "Fn work people." I'd thought the party was pretty fun, regardless I'd been agreeing with everything she said so I just kept on with that. "Yeah this party is lame."

Another gust came in. The angel grabbed her shoulders, teeth chattering. The black dress couldn'tve been very warm. Instinctively I offered my blazer. "Here, I have this jacket." I was wearing the same suit I wear twice a year, I had a bit of extra confidence I guess. She ignored the gesture, offering "It's fn freezing. I need a cigarette. You have any cigarettes?"
"No," I said patting my suit as if I might actually have one. "You bummed the last one from that guy, remember?"

"What guy?" she said.

I paused, "Nevermind." Time to change the subject. "So, you're from Los Angeles?" The question fell on deaf ears as she'd become involved in some sort of text exchange on her phone. "Hold up hold up hold uh hold uh..." she said, quasi-shushing me with a hand raised in my general direction while the other hand texted faster than any human I'd ever seen. But then again this was an angel.

"Where's Mike?" she asked. "I need to find fn Mike." I didn't know who Mike was but I tried to pivot. "I'm not sure..." Which was true. She fixed the one open eye on me for a second. "Wait you're...Cory?" I didn't flinch, I'd kinda been expecting something like this. "Clay...but Cory's close ha. You can call me that if you want ha..." My reply was terrible, possibly fatal. To my relief, the angel didn't seem to notice the lingering awkwardness, rather seemed more interested, like she had something else to ask. I tried to play it cool and not seem like I was treading conversational water.

"Do you have any blow?"

Time froze for a second as I saw the whole picture immediately. This one was tricky. On one hand I had her attention far more now than at any other point, on the other hand the only answer was a surefire bummer. I just had to bite the bullet, decided to go quick and simple. "No..." I said smiling sheepishly, kicking a bit of dust with my shoe. Trying to save any cool face possible, I followed with a hearty, "But I wish!"

It was pretty much over after that, but I carried on rambling nonsense anyway. "Are you going home for the holid -" She interrupted my fail question announcing she would soon be departing. "I gotta go. My Uber's here. What are you doing tonight?" Damn another tough question where the real answer makes me look like a zero. "Uh you know, maybe stay here, drink off their tab may as well ha...prob go to some after parties ..." I knew of zero after parties.

A black SUV pulled up and she started towards it in heels. I became nervous she might fall, but she appeared to know what she was doing. She did have wings, I figured angels probably know what they're doing, they've been around a while. It was exciting to meet a real one in person.

She opened the door to vehicle and conversed with the driver, "I need to go to Beverly Hills. Do you know where that is? Like by West Hollywoo...oh ok good because that's where I need to go. Can I charge my phone in here?" It was time for me to say goodbye. "Have a great night! Nice talking." She turned her head back to me somewhat confused. "Hey if you find Mike tell him to call me bc I have his phone." I had no idea how this Mike character was going to call anyone without his phone but at any rate I just said "Sure no problem." She retracted her wings into the car, shut the door, and off they drove.

As I watched the tail lights fade off into the night, something made me stand on my tiptoes and blurt out "Merry Christmas!!" Guess I had a little more Christmas spirit in me than I thought. I stood there for a moment and looked up at the sky with a grin, reflecting on this crazy life...I had no idea how I was going to tell people I met a Christmas angel. Maybe I wouldn't tell anyone, just let magic be magic. What a world. What a world.

I could faintly the hear music from inside the party beckoning me back in. I looked down at my shiny black shoes and said, "You boys ready to cut a rug?" Then in a ventriloquist voice my feet replied, "You betcha we are!"

And with that our story ends. I pulled a gram out of my pocket, dumped it out on my phone, ripped it like a Dyson, busted back in the party and danced my ass off to Blurred Lines in a Santa hat with some gay dudes.

Miracle on PetSmart Street

Started taking Ernie to PetSmart to get his nails clipped. I can't clip them myself, it ends in both of us having a meltdown. So that's that. I spy him snoozing in his dog bed. Time for a rude awakening. "We're going to PetSmart, buddy boy!"

I get there and alert Carmen the groomer that Ernie's a forsaken soul. "He's crazy!" I warn. "He's LOCO. A fiend only out for himself - he's dangerous!! He'll wag his tail...coax you in, then chomp you like a gator - CHOMP!" Carmen blinks and steps back, avoiding my arms doing a gator-chomp motion.    I'm being pretty intense. Sometimes you just have to be...especially when you're dealing with...danger...

Few customers behind me grew restless. I ignore every single one. "Screw 'em!" I think.
My focus goes back to Carmen. "I seen it too many times," I shaking my head at the floor. "He's ain't right...got the devil...inside...devil inside...he's out for every single one of us...devil inside..."

I can no longer make eye contact with Carmen knowing what could transpire. She smiles politely, and takes Ernie to the back room. He glares at me as he goes back as if to say, "I do not forgive. I do not forget." The door shuts and he's out of vision. Gulp. I say a quick prayer to Nixon, and leave.

Guilt starts to set in as I drive away. What have I done? Leaving a known menace in the hands of an innocent. I can't take it, I need to pray more. I wheel my silver Nissan Juke w/ turboboost technology in to the nearest cathedral. I drop down to a kneeler. Sometime in mid-superprayer I shout to the ceiling, arms outstretched, "Oh Lord! Lordd! Lordo!! U there?" I hear a faint cry from an elderly nun a few pews away. I insist she be quiet immediately. "Shh! Shh!" She flees the church in tears as I cheer her exit "Woohoo yeah alright!" I stop clapping and return to prayer.

Hours must have passed. I look at my phone. New voicemail. PetSmart. "Mr. Summers, your dog is ready." I cross my heart and try to kiss my WWJD anklet, but I can't reach it. I fall and hit my funny bone. "Yowa hahayowa ha ahah ha ah ah HA ah?! Ah, ha? Ha ah?!" The hurt is intense. I gather myself in the midst of the funnypain and get the hell out of there fast as I can.

Parking at PetSmart felt like parking at the gates of hell. Who knows what I was going to run into inside. I accept my fate that Ernie has either killed everyone or brainwashed them into a murder cult with himself as leader and spiritual counselor. I walk through the door to the grooming department. I see a man sweeping, no signs of Carmen the groomer. I prepare for the worst.

"Carmen...is she...is she here?" The man looks up, shakes his head sullenly. "No...no she isn't. Are you here for Ernie?" I muster a nod. His facial expression accepts my nod, but shows no other sign of emotion. He disappears, and returns with Ernie the tiny beast and a note. "Here," he says. "She left this. She wanted to you have it."

My mind races 101mph..."This can't be reality. This can't be happening. I'm dreaming. Wake up man! Wake up!!"

But indeed it was no dream, and nothing could have prepared me for