I get there and alert Carmen the groomer that Ernie's a forsaken soul. "He's crazy!" I warn. "He's LOCO. A fiend only out for himself - he's dangerous!! He'll wag his tail...coax you in, then chomp you like a gator - CHOMP!" Carmen blinks and steps back, avoiding my arms doing a gator-chomp motion. I'm being pretty intense. Sometimes you just have to be...especially when you're dealing with...danger...
Few customers behind me grew restless. I ignore every single one. "Screw 'em!" I think.
My focus goes back to Carmen. "I seen it too many times," I shaking my head at the floor. "He's ain't right...got the devil...inside...devil inside...he's out for every single one of us...devil inside..."
I can no longer make eye contact with Carmen knowing what could transpire. She smiles politely, and takes Ernie to the back room. He glares at me as he goes back as if to say, "I do not forgive. I do not forget." The door shuts and he's out of vision. Gulp. I say a quick prayer to Nixon, and leave.
Guilt starts to set in as I drive away. What have I done? Leaving a known menace in the hands of an innocent. I can't take it, I need to pray more. I wheel my silver Nissan Juke w/ turboboost technology in to the nearest cathedral. I drop down to a kneeler. Sometime in mid-superprayer I shout to the ceiling, arms outstretched, "Oh Lord! Lordd! Lordo!! U there?" I hear a faint cry from an elderly nun a few pews away. I insist she be quiet immediately. "Shh! Shh!" She flees the church in tears as I cheer her exit "Woohoo yeah alright!" I stop clapping and return to prayer.
Hours must have passed. I look at my phone. New voicemail. PetSmart. "Mr. Summers, your dog is ready." I cross my heart and try to kiss my WWJD anklet, but I can't reach it. I fall and hit my funny bone. "Yowa hahayowa ha ahah ha ah ah HA ah?! Ah, ha? Ha ah?!" The hurt is intense. I gather myself in the midst of the funnypain and get the hell out of there fast as I can.
Parking at PetSmart felt like parking at the gates of hell. Who knows what I was going to run into inside. I accept my fate that Ernie has either killed everyone or brainwashed them into a murder cult with himself as leader and spiritual counselor. I walk through the door to the grooming department. I see a man sweeping, no signs of Carmen the groomer. I prepare for the worst.
"Carmen...is she...is she here?" The man looks up, shakes his head sullenly. "No...no she isn't. Are you here for Ernie?" I muster a nod. His facial expression accepts my nod, but shows no other sign of emotion. He disappears, and returns with Ernie the tiny beast and a note. "Here," he says. "She left this. She wanted to you have it."
My mind races 101mph..."This can't be reality. This can't be happening. I'm dreaming. Wake up man! Wake up!!"
But indeed it was no dream, and nothing could have prepared me for
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